


A Thousand Times No

by BehindFlickeringLampposts



Series: all the time spent trying to be enough (it's not coming back) [4]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Trauma, Feelings, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Loneliness, Mental Health Issues, POV Second Person, References to Depression, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-24 06:47:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20701676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BehindFlickeringLampposts/pseuds/BehindFlickeringLampposts
Summary: There is a particular kind of pain in discovering that you wasted your life trying to be something you aren't.Trying to be enough for the people that should have loved you no matter what.Being enough now, after years of hurting in silence, doesn't fix anything.It doesn't give you all those years back.Vanya and Klaus learn that the hard way.(It's much better to read all the stories in the series first!)





	A Thousand Times No

There is a particular kind of pain in discovering you wasted your life.

There is a particular kind of pain in discovering that **no**, you won't get the years you lost back. No, you weren't enough and just because you are now it doesn't mean you get all your firsts — _all those goddamned birthdays and holidays and __your __fucking childhood_ — back. Being enough doesn't fix anything. It doesn't suddenly give you your life back.

Your memories will still be shitty and lonely and there's no way of turning them into something _more_.

There is a particular kind of pain in discovering that **no, no, no, **you don't get those things.

You'll never get those things. Because time it's _gone_, it went on without your consent and took away all that it was supposed to give you without actually letting you have it.

**No, no, no. **

You're not getting your childhood back. You're not going to have a second chance.

**No, no, no. **

You never had the chance of being a kid and you won't get one now.

**No, no, no. **

There's no way of taking it back. There's no way of fixing your memories, no way of making them _better_.

It's strange, after a lifetime of **no**'s, to discover that this one, this new **no**, can still destroy you. Can still make you sob desperately and claw at the sheets. It's stupid, to be heartbroken by a word that you knew was going to come.

Your childhood is gone, has been gone for a while now, splintered and twisted and distorted grotesquely, coiled around your father's punishments and harsh words like a poisonous snake, slowly turning your thoughts into dust.

Still.

Hope is a malicious thing.

** No. **

**No. **

**No. **

There aren't second chances.

**No.**

**No.**

**No. **

For anyone.

** _(After everything, Vanya and Klaus learn that the hard way.)_ **

**Author's Note:**

> As always, tell me if you find spelling mistakes or something like that because English isn't my first language.  
All these fics are just me putting all my trauma on Klaus and Vanya to be honest but I tried my best to express how it feels to realize something as heartbreaking as having lost your whole life to be loved by someone only to discover it doesn't suddenly make your life better.  
I hope you liked it!


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